You’re mine and I made you

Dear Baby,

We have been together for almost 30 weeks! Only eight or so more until we become separate and part of the same world.  You are spending a lot of your time these days curled up sideways. I love looking down and imagining you in there, and will cradle you lots when you’re outside my uterus and in my arms.  You sure move and kick lots, sometimes turning upside down, and I often feel your small arms, hands and feet moving along the walls of your little home, especially when I rest my arms there; you seem to like resisting pressure.  I hope you’re still content in there, even though there’s less and less space as you grow bigger.  You often get the hiccups (just like me), much to my amusement.

Your father and I keep reading Goodnight Moon to you every night. I promise to keep reading it to you before bed after you’re born. I think you’ll recognize it.

When I think of you, I sometimes get a feeling like a balloon swelling up inside me that I have no control of, filling me almost over capacity with delight and happiness.  I am indescribably excited to hold you for the first time and count your little fingers and toes, and see your eyes, nose, ears, mouth, knees, and belly for the first time. So is your dad.

I’m making you a moon lantern, a colourful quilt, a cosy sweater, a snuggly wrap, some paintings, a gi for you to wear when we introduce you to our friends at the martial arts gym where your dad works, some fun hats, and even custom onesies. There will be a friend who makes you a mobile with fuzzy felted creatures to look at when you lie in bed.  There are so many colours in the world and I can’t wait for you to see it all.

I don’t know when your birthday will be or how the delivery will unfold, but I am counting on one that keeps you as safe as can be, and brings you into the world unharmed. And that’s what will happen; there will be helpful people to ensure it.  Just make sure you flip upside down, with your back facing my front, and we’ll both be fine!

Babies are born all the time, but you’re mine, and I made you. Perhaps it is in my biology to feel this way but it doesn’t make it less exciting. You and the task of helping you along your path already mean the world to me.  

Love, your mama

My promises to you.

I often, as I’m sure most parents-to-be do, look at situations happening in my life and wonder what will happen and how I will deal with it when I have a little human to look after. As much as we all do the best we can, it remains that we all form habits, sometimes ones that actually hurt and stifle us and sometimes ones that hurt others, and they can take a long time to recognize and much more time to change. It’s not that I think I can prepare to behave perfectly all the time once the baby is here, it’s that I know I can’t, and so I need to continually examine my behaviour to see if I am, through acting out of impulse, hurting my ability to stay sane.  I look at my own unsteady thought patterns and how quickly I lose control of my emotions, and I fear for how I might act when mentally provoked when there is a baby in my presence, there to absorb all energy waves. I can’t just go off into a thought storm.  On the other hand, though, I can’t bury the negative feeling, for it will inevitably stay with me and surface again through silence and tension, as it has proven to.  

I want this new impressionable human presence to be exposed to a life of openness and acceptance of natural tendencies. What does this mean? How to explain… We live in a culture that is isolating people further and further from each other, and although I’m inexperienced, I feel like the idea of parenting has become a topic of great confusion. I could read some parenting books and follow the instructions but I don’t think that would be fulfilling. There are many things that are expected of us in order to be "normal" in current times which don't necessarily come naturally. I must say I vividly remember being a child, and often don’t really feel that different from one even now. I know that in the first few years of life, they learn the things that stay with them more strongly than any other time in their lives.  My posts will not always be this serious, and it has no intended references to anyone in my life, or disrespect for anyone who has parented, but if I were to make a list of things I want to keep present in my experience of watching someone grow, I suppose it would be a bit like this:

1)       We must accept the forces of nature as reality. It is a mistake to create a standard that does not comply with that which happens naturally. If you drop something, I will not get mad at you, because gravity is one of the strongest forces on Earth. Things are meant to drop. If you wish to do things that defy gravity (and I know you will all on your own, like drawing a picture without losing all your crayons) I trust you will learn how.  If you get sick, it will not be your fault. I will not take it personally if you do. 

2)      I take full responsibility for your creation.  It makes me incredibly sad to witness parents who complain about having kids, or treat them with disrespect, as though they never asked for them.  I have chosen to bring you, whoever you are, into the world, and I will not resent you for habits which remind me of myself or that merely annoy me.  I will not blame you for anything negative that I feel is happening to me. I will teach you that likewise, you are responsible for your own happiness. 

3)      I will respect myself in a way that is equal to the way I respect you. You are not expected to provide me with any sort of fulfillment in return for my taking care of you, although I know you won’t be able to help doing that anyway. You should be shown how to live a life that is full of whatever you choose to bring into it, and I see it as my task to keep doing that for me as my most important way of teaching you.

4)       If there is any habit I would like to instil in you as well as myself (your father is already good at this) it is verbal communication of feelings. I am learning there is little reason to end up in arguments or blowups if each of us truly knows we hold the power to getting everything we need.  If you need emotional support, you will be able to tell me without thinking you have to show it in another way. If you become angry, all you need to do is to authentically say so, and your problem shall already nearly be solved.  It is one of the biggest challenges I have faced so far in life, and I want you to know right from the beginning that you have nothing to hide from anyone.

5)       We live in a world that tends to grade people based on things like beauty, body image, “smarts”, “academia”, and accordance with tradition. While you may, at some point, become tempted by the pressure to conform to these standards of importance set by other people, these are not things that I will expect of you nor encourage, unless these values come from your own ideas.  I love you more than this, and I hope to help you feel that you are worth the freedom and authenticity of making your own decisions based on your true feelings.

6)       You will be fed only food that has not been derived from killing or harming another living being, if it can at all be avoided. You will learn that all the nutritional fulfillment, health, pleasure and vitality you will possibly need can be derived from the plant foods of the world, and eating this way will let you maintain an open, caring, and healthy relationship to all other sentient beings you will share the planet with, as well as a very good relationship with food, from the very beginning of your journey.  

Love,

Your Mama

Introductory Letter to Baby

Dear Baby,

You have no idea what’s coming for you. While your tiny body and your brain are growing at an incredibly fast rate, you only know the quiet little world where you exist right now. I don’t know what you’ve been up to exactly, but from what I’ve read I can guess that you’re moving around like crazy with those little arms, legs and digits of yours, and practising your swallowing.  While I’ve only known you to be in there for about 6 weeks and my belly hasn't gotten all that much bigger yet, it brings me unimaginable delight to know of your presence and I am cheering for you in your progress of growth into someone we will get to know for the rest of our lives. Maybe you’ve heard your dad’s voice lately, introducing himself to you or singing you little songs. You should get used to the songs!

  There are a lot of people thinking about you with great happiness and waiting eagerly to meet you and hold you, especially your grandparents. When tiny little people are born, particularly in your own family, it’s hard not to want to hold them.  There’s also a small dog who will teach you about being silly, and the color “golden”. Someday my mom, your Nana, might give you yummy treats and teach you about food and how it nourishes our bodies, and your grandfather, my dad (who doesn’t know what he would like you to call him yet) might read or tell you stories or invent imaginary games with you. Your Nanny (your dad’s mom) will love to take you for walks and sing to you, and I’m not sure about what your other Grandpa will do with you yet! It all remains an endless chain of surprises to come and all we know for sure is that you will be given infinite love, play, encouragement and protection. It is a big, big world and I am looking forward to both the pleasure and pain of watching you find your way around in it.

Thank-you for not making me very sick, I appreciate it very much.  Though, while I would like to be eating lots of salads and smoothies to help you be the healthiest you can possibly be, so far you have made me want mostly bread, salty and sweet foods. Don’t worry, I am taking a multivitamin to make sure you get everything you need and will eat more and more veggies as my pregnancy with you goes on. You are my little vegan!  I have heard your heartbeat and know you’re in there for sure because I have been getting more and more hungry; these days I need to eat for the two of us every hour or two!  Though I’ve had more energy lately, some days I am still exhausted. Last night I had to sleep for 11 hours.  I never mind any of the symptoms though, because I know the cause. However, I think we might need more water, so I will work on that.  I also can’t wait to move into our new apartment (where you might live when you get here), so that I can cook whatever crazy thing comes to mind.

I have no idea what you will look like, and right now I love it like that. In only 8 weeks we might find out if you are a boy or a girl. I want you to know that it doesn’t matter; I don’t feel like I could be any more bewildered, mystified, or satisfied about the creation of you either way.

Keep up the good work!

xo